even after all this!!!!!
Why do you still feel the things that you still do......
Why feel this still!!!!!!!
Some sounds n moments!!!!!!
Why can't smthings inside you just go with the changes that you see on the outside like smrhinf outside changes and you change on the inside wit it, why can't it be as simple as that!!!!!
The sky off late it's like you look up and time trip that very instance!
This pure beauty of some visuals that can make you feel smthing this beautifully strong...
Circling sky, marshmallow sky....
Also the very reason why you miss his music too cause he stopped posting and this thing bout his music and the ones you stumble upon,it's like initially yaaah that's my fav track now days later get back to his music been years now but every single of his you still listen to on loop smtimes firstly cause his secondly more so his selection that beautiful that can never get used to!!
That kinda vibe of his music...!
Isn't it that beautifully ironic charlie when it comes to love and best friend that there are a zillion other things that you miss along when it's gone and not just the person, almost a part of you a lifestyle a way of life a way that you feel bout yourself that you miss along and not just the person cause with them there are a zillion other things that come along and you live along and love along with them...
When the person becomes way more than just a person that you live....almost reliving reloving and refinding a part of you...
This love for the skies his music and the moments lived.....every single time every year and can never get used to!
they say love is stronger than hate.....
Some phrases actually make you rethink em over!
This morning this strange dream of his that you wake up from him dragging himself out of smthing and holds your hand grabs your hand rather wit that tight grip like he needed you to hold his hand and pull him out of it as he just keeps looking helplessly in your eyes wanting to pull him out of it and not let go of his hand as you do so!!
It was strange momentary but the way again it shakes you up and you wake up and realise it was raining outside....head out to your place and just be for a bit you couldn't get over his helpless look looikg you in the eye wanting to hold your hand and like always that same need to fil that feeling up add him back and go back to sleep for a bit waiting for the dream to continue somehow.....
Doesn't happen nothing but that feel charlie stays with you just him looking at you helplessly!!!!!
Everytime you feel that feeling of how anything to do with him shakes you up and makes you forget everything else and just add him bacl no matter how shitty you've felt to see being blocked again no matger what you are going through just that need to make it better somehow of what some moment made you feel for him....
Love is clearly weak charlie over hate cause you can only imagine how much he has to wants to away keep you away out of hate or what for him to be able to stick with it like now when you see a block you know it's going to be an year till you are unblocked again!!!!
Maybe!!!!
Is when you feel hate is much stronger than love!!!!
It's these wave of feeling that you can't cope up with smtimes.....like from that extreme to smthing as beautiful as reliving daadis words for Him....to reliving him in that very moment just watching you that beauuuutifully with that smile on him letting you have that moment with daadi and yet living your presence....
It' was like he was literally glowing in that moment as you watch him live him through daadis words and that love of daadis for Him... He was glowing in that moment charlie and that beauutifully!!!!
Feelings like these moments relived like these just put your mind in this beautiful state of bliss that even with some action flick on your mind is still reliving that memory that moment that echo of those beautiful words......
Kabhi daadi bhot yaad ate charlie for the love and also more for her love for you when with him...
Mind I tell you once it gets a hold on a feeling or a thigght no matter what you do it still somehow hovers over you! Still watching this action lick andbyet the mind thisfeeeeeeeeling!
This hindi mocie watching it with mom hours back and overall script okay but the beauty was in the moment or bond between the grandmother n grandchild or grandson to be precise...
There are many instances out of nowhere sometimes when his daadis voice still echoes through you.....cause her being the only one prolly from whom you did get that grandmom love from even itvwas for a very very short span but you still did....
One of those evenings on your way home him walking a lil ahead getting his car out to drop you and you see daadi struggling to get the thread in the needle squinting her eyes away and you offer to help her and she asks you to sit beside her and shows that smthing that she was knitting away for Him it was what was back then for yours and his wedding for smthing he had to use to strike the entrance with when he comes to marry you....
Him by then after a few honks gets off and just stands at a distance on the fone and still checking or watchjnf you and daadi have your own moment as she talks bout how he was very special and different from the rest of the family at home....holds your hand and asks you to always take care of him and love him and still talking bout how different he was and how she loved him more than she loved her own son....
It's that feeling charlie when you love someome so much and when anybody just talks bout how special that person is or anything good bout them it just makes you that very happy in your heart it's that feeling of love and pride that you are filled with in such moemnts and to watch him stand there smiling that smile at you and hear daadi talk bout him was the most beautiful few mins you had with daadi....
Like those few mins you'll always cherish all your life no matter what.....cause it was that special!!!!!!
Finally to him and the way he mentions how he hasn't daadi like that with anybody like itveas just a few meets and then tells you she sure likes you to talk to you like that holding your hand away!
That evening back home just replaying what daadi had said and the way to just relive Him in your mind with all that he was was the first time you'd felt he sure was different.....
Today watching the movie tbinking bout him reliving daadis words and her pove for him still the same feeling - Him that beauuuutifully different charlie...
Daadi!!!!!!!
Its beautiful to think of it even years after today how lilst of conversations can have this beautiful impact no matter how long it has been or how short the conversation was!!!!!
Some sounds n it's like all ubcan seee himnfeeel him life him is thevzooooned in version of him!!!!!
Details of hism tjatbcloseeee!!!!!
Even when u were seetin hishair jony gbravo style the waaay he was lvijng u in tht mkment letting u donhishair n only after u were done he would again set it normal n u do it again right there closero his feet on urkmee setting his hair nthe wyaaaaa he was living u inbtht mkement the wyaaaa it was making him that haaaaapy m tht adoooorbky his eyes his tht smileeeeevthtbone in thtmkemnt
This mnindddd todyaaa not sure if this is thegin high or the him highhh
Lik u blink he is ther right from rharvvery moemnr
Notbsure if its mkinf u more haooy yaaaaaaa abvjooobyaaaad ayaaa ayyyyaaaaauskeee baaalbko biiihaaat lagaaake zamaaaanaaaaaaaaa ho gyaaa nai chaleeee!!!!
Whoo biii wen it's thissss beytiffffffduuulllly long now ayaaaaaa zamaaaanaaaaaaaaa hogyaaa
Uskeeee face Ko biii touch karkeee nai
Ayyyaaaa uskoooo dekeeee zamanaaaa hogyaaa!
Itaaaaa kaossse ho gayiii!!!!!
This mind thissss mkent now!!!!!
His zoooooomeduppppbeitiffffulll best rushing throufjbunow wit Evey blink of an eye!!!!!!
Aisaaaaa kaiseeeeeeeaaaaa to unliveee nowafyr that much living isyaaaaa!!!!!!!tobunloveee nowww aftertht much loving!!!!!!!!
Nooo wondree nai horaaa nai ab ittaaaa rock solid himmmbamke aisaaa jaosaa ekdumm se to change this uaway now!!!!!
Lilst of himss have become thissss muchbodf you now!!!!!
Uskeeee haaat seee biii mekuuu kitaaaaa paaaayaaaar tha malooom chaleeee!!!!!
Jsteee to seeee liveee hisbjandsss too the wyaaaa they were that close to Ur face movomf sloelwwwwwwwly forming waaave of theboceam wit thebsound lilik u felt the sound more licinf that beaaaaaaty of his hand!!!!!
N the wyaaaa that lost in himwtahcunfg you like tht use to make him thataaaaa happppooy chaleeee ayaaaaaaaaaaeeeeee thtvfceeee he used to make!!!!!!
Nai sochmaaaa boleeeeto eknekd karkeeebdimaaag tripnhoraaa nobwondsder bolteee don love too.much bolkeee ab asaaa kaisaa cheke karkee kark paayaaar hotaa boloo!
Of all the peoeepl in this worlddd uneee milaaa itaaaaa itaaaaaaaa paaaayaaaar kiyaaaa aur karayaaaa limit mei kartaaa thao aaaj aisi nai hotii naii ayaaaaaaaa mere haaat mei uneee dikaaa!!!!!
Nai sochoooo boleeeeto changers go jaaaou boletoo ye!!!!!
A sound jste a sound n this u nowwww!!!!!
Itaaaaa kaiseee him bankeeeyiii chaleee mei!!!!
Relity Ku kaiseee relise karnaaaa mei!!!!!!
Tjis thinge boyte lovee charler there are mioments over nnovwr again wnen u feeel thatvfeeeeel hit you yaaaah am in loveee no mayetter hownong it's been dosnte mayyer juste like thqt ragardelss of the shittye si5uatione it still hits uv in kmoments with sounds jste like this one n as u moce to the sojunde and watche Ur hands move vibin to the rack verosva meet his hands u trippinto the waaayeeee jste the waaayeeee he was moving hisbhande to the beat wave of the tracker......
That close to Ur face jste his hand moving vibin awaaayeeee to the sound with the soune....
U livin lovcciiiin the mkement likebthraaat beauuutidully lost in him jsteee the wyaaaa hise hand woulde come thteeee close to Ur face n make tgisebwaves witvhis hand with the sound of hismucie playing livin' the beuttteeeeeey of him!!!!!!
Today as Ur hands move almste the way sameeeeey way u jste get lost wtxhjnf Ur hands cause in tht kmoments they becom his hand...like u coudle lietrrrraluy see his hand in that moment
Some sounds sme miemts!!!!!!
Beyiooooond u!!!!!!
That xlsowly comine close to Ur facevtoychjng the tip of Urnose away and thwbsoowwwwly forming that wave again!!!!!!!then watxhing you live tht mkement smilinnnn awaaaaayeeeeee that one smile of hischucling awaaayeeee jsut seeing how bad you were living lovgviiiiing Evey bit of it......
Today wen Ur Ur hand becoms his!!!!!!
Music ur svaior cos jsteeeee cos the wyaaaa it can for the mowmht take all thte pain awyaaa n makeu feel this make u feel his smae love for u!!!!!
Wen the relity jste like that slipsssss aswaaaay.....
Timws sure hell changers!!!!
Maloooom chaleee aaaj thtbsec u seee hisbhande instead of urs tht feeekin kitaaaaa him ban gayiii mein chaleee!!!!!!
Hands movin lik his his wayeee same waaaay of living music u do almst the sme now was tht relisatik in the mkement.....ittaaaa kaseee him ban gayiimei!!!!!!
Every single damn timeeeeeeee!!!!!!
Every singkeee damn time u stuble upn a track like this one knowwwwwireeeeng he wpildd love ittoo is when u mosss the best denrnf u lost too!!!!
Tosss track u r vasiicallly gluuuuueddeee to now'nnnnn
Every time she gps am alone all u can heare is yaaahh amnin loveeeeeee!!!!!!
The wyaaaa ske teacks can just meake u moveeee the vibeee thebfeeels it can hace u feeekin is bwyonde words!!!!!!
This wit him did become ubtooo!!!!
The wyee the trqck makes ubmoce n hisvwayy the waaay Ur handss move jste the waaayeeee his used to!!!!!!
Momenetsssss like these!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Smthings and that echo of some words n conversation bout witnessing and being under the same marshmallow lit sky like this and living moment at once...
Smthings!!!!!!!
Nite sky golden hour
Morning sky
Moments you can't ignore, to just live n relive these lilst of one's...
White birds and marsallowwww flaoting ski.....
Nites like these
To the sound of music
White birds and white marsallowwww skies......
Nites like these
To the sound of music
The very senses that make you feel alive....
Sight feel touch smell taste things not sure what it feels like now.....
Visuals to visually live such moments and then relive him in those very smallest of moments makes you wonder if it all was all real or just that one long dream that you were dreaming alone....
It's this feeling Charlie cause it's been that long very very long that you sort of forget bout how and what it feels like to be loved to be able to live that love live that feeling to feel that feeling.....
One smthing and it all suddenly comes back to you!
To love, to be loved...!
Just finish watching this beautiful all mush ofna movie after really long cause you make sure to stay away from such films.....
Today watching those smallest of moments to the most beautiful ones and that feel with every single one of em as if though you were literally seeing him living him in each one of them....
There are things you can avoid and then there are things that you just can't ignore..
Living him in each one of those moments was all n more than just that...
In your place to find that momentary peace with the weather turning this beautiful.....that one thought tho that keeps ringing through your mind......
How truly lucky did she really get, without hoping waiting or wishing for it.....
To be able to live him love him and be loved by Him...
How truly lucky and just like that!
When you just want to get back to work cause this mind I say!!!!!!!!!
Some feeels you forget bout how and what it's like to smthing as lil as to look em in the eye to live that feeling to live someone's presence for real which now with time almost feels this unreal.....like you actually ever did???!
To live to feel to just love the presence as you live for real in the waking state!!
Echoes of a time...... That sheer beauty of some purest of moemnts isnt that strangely beauuuutiful charlie..... Like you may not want to feel anything else but the way suddenly just the word of it being mother's day and all those moemnts of reassurance rush through you.... Some promises you make you just can't break for anything what come may.....it's that sheer pureness of some moments that vurnerable where you'd only seen him be protective caring adorable beauuuutiful loving but those first times when he was finally opening upto you bout his state of mind then what he was going through and how much he missed being taken care of as a kid to be nurtured to just be held to feel safe or just being taken care like someone's there for him like he was there for everybody else then.....
To live that side of him to see him cry feel his weakest to just see him that way made every bit inside of you make that promise in all those moemnts to love him be there for him no matter what....like it was only after those moemnts with him did you really start taking care of him as his mom would to check on him to make sure he was okay to make him feel exactly how he eanted to.......
To just strictly hold him in those moments like his mom would and not like his gf.....to just be there for him no matter what!!!!!
It did become your priority like smthing just came along in your life and changed you completely.....
His voice in those moments like you could feel his pain his insecurity in that sound.....just the way he would want to hear it over n over again I'm here I'll always be there with you I'll always love you...
Just hold me like this be with me like this love me this karely!!!!!!
This was the longest you felt thus way for the first time it did change you this time.....but today that need to hold him closer in your way just for the day you just had to...
To realise where you belong and to know why you are being pushed away smtimes takes longer that you'd want to but when you finally do it's a very different strange feel to live with to come to terms with...
But this time did happen kya hua nai maloom charlie not a tear after that first noticing of the block....like after that you don't feel a thing anymore.....
Ekdum se it's gone!!!!!!
Just that sound of his from then since morning today like yoy could hear him that close to your ear.....that close!!!!!
And couldnt help it today!!!!!
all these years of silence blocks and the pushing away.....all those times when you wanted to just go n see him and couldn't cause of financial reasons back then all of that distance evruthung all this while never really broke you this bad.....
This time this block this time did break smthing the worst way possible like it just broke you in the worst possible way for the first time .....like after that now you don't feel a thing nothing at all.....
Stop being in your place been over 15 days now cause being here now after all these days today the first time is why you know you didn't want to be here.....it did become the Him corner of your house...
This feeeel some places can make you feel the vibe of some place I say!!!!!
Deleted him off and stayed tht way for the first time this long in all these years.....cause you know now!!!!!
It's only today being a mother's day and all those flashes of him as your kid back then the moments and thar need to add him back just for the day today....
Is when you realise what it was all bout actually.....having him on WhatsApp was in a very weirdly strange way of that feeling of holding him closer to you cause that was only way you could.....in your mind it was that feel of having him closer all these years where you just couldn't have him off ur whatsapp for no longer than a day or two....some dream some momenr some sound made you wanna have him back cause that was your way of holding him closer to you.....
This time after that feel of the break in you after that realisation you don't belong there.....you let it free that feeling of holding him closer set it free....and just let him be, living his life having people he wants to be with instead of being the one there where you don't beling anymore.....
Just today that feel of the whole mommy thing that need to hold him closer today was there.....like after that you finally slept for a bit cause all these days you just couldn't.....
It's these thungs that you don't wanna write now cause you don't like this you this you feeling all this cause it's like reading exactly what and how you feel on the inside......
But today that need to just write the you out in the Him corner....
Feela good here the calm today with no sound nothing just the music the breeze in the air the mind at ease...
It's like the only bond you share now to think of him this way...
Strange nai charlie after all these years ekdum se smthing just breaks you that bad that you finally don't feel a thing anymore...
It's a strange feeling first time !!!!!!!!
some days on the calendar hit you with a sound that's what words sounds music does to you....
A day a place a time and suddenly out of nowhere a sound a beat something said something shared a moment anything just hits you in the most beautiful of ways....like it just enables you to experience that shift that sudden shift movement like you just felt smthing without even feeling a thing...
Mother's day every year this does to you!
Every simgle one!
Not sure if you'll ever experience it for real ever again but one thing for sure you did live it once in your lifetime atleast in the most beautiful of ways - Him!!!!!
His words his hugs in those very moment asking you over n over again reassuring himself in those moments that he has you now....you've got me right karely you are my mommy from now on you'll stay with me right no matter what I do or say you'll never leave me right holding you closer reassuring himself and also letting you live that most beautiful feeling ever for the first time how and what it is to hold live that feeling of being responsible for a kid for an infant what it is to nurture another being like you know love in the most beautifully different way......to nurture to care to protect to love him as your kid to nurture him to adore him as your baby and not as your love in those moments....to hold him as his mommy and not as a gf then...
That experience that beautiful echo of his words asking you to be there for him no matter what asking you to promise him that you'll never leave him still laying over your lap holding your hand away with the tightest grip possible or just hugging you away and telling you you are my mommy from here on.....
In those miemnts that feeeeel of loving him that way to just live that feel of being a mother it was different even writing it now reliving those moments still feels this weirdly beautiful n different!!!!!!
